If you want to
|
So, you want an autograph, eh? You know, for years I've gotten lefty cramps scrawling my name on all of your pictures, 3"x5" cards, hand made objects and fleshy foreheads and I've done this without thinking. But, now that the millenium is upon us - I have given the whole "autograph" thing some serious consideration. What I have come up with is this: I don't think it's a good thing. Now quit cursing and hear me out. When you really get right down to it, what we're talking about is the value of a carbon scribble (or ink, or paint pen) on a piece of squashed, dead tree, am I right? What value does it really have? Is it worth money? Only an autograph collector knows for sure. Will it help me communicate better to you? No. I really just put my illegible scrawl (take my word for it, folks) on a postcard or whatever and move on to the next. I don't "know" you as a result. In the flurry of things, I barely catch the return address (hey, I could lie to ya...). Will it help you know me? Sorry, a hasty signature isn't gonna do it. Ask yourself this: Will it make you be a better parent? Will it help you get straight A's? Will it make you cool? Sure you can show it to all your friends and family, but come on, you and I know that the answer to ALL of the above is...no. What I propose is this: If you want a picture, no sweat - I'll send you one (on my dime) and you can frame it, use it as a dartboard, or make the darn thing into a beer coaster if you'd like. But, as far as personally scribbling my name on your picture, or mine, I'd hate to further encourage you to buy in to the whole "Hollywood" thing. Anyone
on the planet can get a picture by sending an
email with your FULL NAME and MAILING ADDRESS to [email protected]
or you can write
to me at Look, no matter what you may have heard to the contrary, I'm just the poor slob next door. I may not be YOUR neighbor, but I just want to be treated like one. Help me poke big fat holes in all of those phony-baloney Hollywood mystiques about fame and fortune, will you? I hate to break it to you, but us cheezeball actor types are no better than you. Heck, most of us can't even change the oil in our cars... Please make no mistake - this decision is not because of any disdain I have toward you - it's simply a combination of time issues and a larger matter of why the heck my autograph should be worth one red cent more than yours. Are you any less VALUABLE? I think not, and that's really my whole point. What I would prefer is that we keep a basic unspoken agreement. I will respect you as fans by working as hard as I can to entertain you to the best of my abilities. For your part, you can "value" me by simply doing what you have always done - watch the stuff I'm in. I know that sounds pretty darn simplistic, but I think it's a purer way to go. You've always supported me in the past, so I'm asking you to support me in this. But Bruce, does this mean you'll NEVER sign another autograph? No, life is not that simple. Hey, if we should meet in line at Carl's Jr., I'll sign that coffee-stained napkin - no prob. What about conventions, you ask? Absolutely - I'll sign whatever the convention folks allow me to do - that's what they're all about and there is at least a little more to the autograph when I can put my clammy hand in yours for a nanosecond. There's also DESIGNATED time and space allotted for that type of thing. Granted, I don't do that many conventions these days, but any appearances are listed here on my web site. I do like to communicate with you folks. Those of you that are on line can e-mail me. My e-mail address has been the WORST kept secret on the web for several years now [email protected]. My answers are short and sarcastic, sure, but I'll respond to any non-ludicrous query. Anyway, enough blather. I thank you in advance for your kind consideration of this important matter to me. Regards, |
